Editorial by Sequoia Thom Lundy, M.A.

These quotes paraphrase the sharing of 10 men at a discussion of "Men and Touch" at the Seattle Men's Wisdom Council. It illustrates some of the issues men feel about this emotionally charged topic.

Thai men hold hands walking together. Russian men kiss. In many cultures, it's totally okay for men to openly show affection for each other. Here, in North America, men are conditioned by the macho images in the media: thus we feel permitted only to shake hands or knock each other around competitively. We are not permitted to hold hands, hug (except very briefly), kiss or otherwise show any tender, caring feelings for each other. Even gay men, who are supposedly liberated from the cultural norms, often internalize the judgements about affectionate behaviour among men and either hide their affection from public view or limit their intimate contact to heartless [often anonymous] sexual objectification of other men.

Our culture is one of the most violent in the world. I believe there is a direct connection between our fear of man-to-man affection and our violence. Men are praised as heroes for killing in war, and are treated as misfits if we openly display physical affection. There is something very wrong with this picture!

Fortunately, in recent years, men of all sexual orientations are beginning to re-examine who we are, how we behave, how we each relate with our self, with women, with children, and with each other. A significant, unexamined area about our interactions is how we touch one another. Are we happy with our current behaviour? Do we wish to explore new options?

Touch is an essential form of communication. It is the primal language, the one we understood before we knew words. The way we give and receive touch communicates from a very deep (and sometimes unconscious) part of ourselves to the same deep place in the other person. Our "adult" selves learned to communicate with words and concepts. But the "child" in us is fluent in the language of touch. Our emotional well-being is very much influenced by the quality of touch in our lives. What happens when we are out of touch with our need and capacity for touch?

Three factors inhibit men from openly displaying caring, affectionate touch: fear of our own and other men’s emotions, vulnerability, and sex:

EMOTIONS: One scary and confusing thing is that affectionate touch can trigger emotional and/or erotic feelings, which can cause anxiety. Some men avoid feeling emotions [especially the "weak" emotions like sadness, fear, longing], and touch can bring such unwelcome feeling right to the surface.

VULNERABILITY: In psychology, the "shadow" is understood to be that part of our own personality which contains the traits we do not wish to acknowledge or "own." These could be qualities like greed, jealousy, hatred, fear, or even vulnerability, tenderness, and ability to nurture. The disowned parts are then "projected" onto other people, for whom we feel inordinate attraction or repulsion.

This frequently occurs in sorting out so-called gender-appropriate qualities, where we "own" certain qualities and "disown" or project other qualities onto others. The traditional gender expectations attribute co-operativeness and emotional softness to women, and competition and physical/intellectual prowess to men. Moreover, these so-called feminine qualities are generally devalued in our culture. Those who exhibit them (often women and "queer" men) are treated with less respect, and are frequently the objects of derision and aggression by "manly" men.

Thus, many men disown their tenderness, their own inner child, their "feminine side." It is seen as okay for women to be vulnerable, while men maintain the appearance of strength and independence. A "real" man needs only enough physical closeness to unload his manly sexual tension. Some women are beginning to complain about being the sole source of nurturing for men. They are beginning to ask why men don't do more nurturing of each other.

The problem with the shadow is that it puts us out of balance, as we devalue certain qualities in ourselves and exaggerate their opposite. One example is the person who disowns their assertiveness and becomes excessively compliant and "nice." If, as a whole culture, men disown our tender, nurturing co-operative qualities, what can we show toward one another? We can only compete: in business, on the playing-field, and on the battle-field.

SEX: In addition, because we assume that erotic feelings will lead to sex, and have been taught that it is improper/immoral to be sexual with other men, we tend to be afraid of those feelings in ourselves or one another. For example, the presence of an erect penis is experienced by many people as an indication of sexual desire [in oneself or the other person] . At "inappropriate" times, this may be embarrassing or even threatening for either person. In reality, the erection may simply mean that the man is feeling pleasantly energized, in a heightened state of well-being.

Many men equate touch with sex, and thus either avoid touching other men affectionately or else seek sex with men as a way of simply getting touched. In my adolescence, I was caught in that illusion, and sexualized my need for caring touch with men. I found it quite unsatisfying, like fast food that fills the belly but provides little nourishment. As an adult, I discovered massage. To my delight I realized that the rest of my body can experience at least as much pleasure from touch as my genitals can. More importantly, I realized that nurturing and affectionate touch does not necessarily lead to sex, but is deeply satisfying in itself. I understood that I had been looking to sex to satisfy a much more primal need for loving touch. I know there are lots of men (some are gay-identified; many are not) who have furtive sex with other men. I believe what they really want, but have no idea how to find, is the caring touch of another man.

My experience has shown me that there are lots of ways to share touch which do not necessarily involve or lead to sex (e.g., hugs, massage, holding, cuddling). For brevity, I distinguish between sex (physical stimulation intended to bring about arousal and, perhaps, orgasm) and affection (words and/or touch intended to express caring, warmth, and to enhance well-being). The two can be experienced separately or together. We have a choice.

Touch does not equal sex! We can choose to share sex and/or affection in any mode --- hetero/homo/bi. Some people, even though they may prefer to be sexual with only one gender , can enjoy sharing affectionate touch with both, or vice versa. For example, many heterosexual women are comfortable being overtly affectionate with both genders ("bi-affectional"?). Most men, however, are much less free with affection. There are many men who have sex with men (whether gay- or straight-identified) whose contact with men is quick, anonymous, and lacking in heart.

I suspect many men are ready explore the possibilities that lie beyond the gay-straight division and rigid gender rules about whom we love. I am convinced that the dichotomy between "gay" and "straight" does violence to all men, and hence to all people. The terms force us into restrictive pigeon-holes. To accept either label is to be limited in our intimate choices.

At a Men's Wisdom Council meeting in Vancouver, I was invited to do a presentation about touch. I guided about 20 men to reflect on their most positive experience of touch with another male (at whatever age) and then speak about their recollection and how it made them feel. Many men spoke longingly of the touch they received (or wished to receive) from their fathers, which was too little and ended too early. They expressed a feeling of lack of affectionate fathering still as adults. Then I led them in pairs in a simple touch exercise: the "toucher" stood behind his seated partner, gently lay hands on his shoulders, and breathed with him, then guided his head back against his belly, holding forehead and heart, followed by some easy facial massage. Then they traded rolls, and then took time to tell each other what the experience of tenderly touching or being touched y another man felt like for each of them, both physically and emotionally. Back in the large circle, each man had an opportunity to speak. The tone in men’s voices was amazing: men really spoke from their hearts, not from their heads. There was a tone of reverence, of awe. Many said they had never been touched with such care by another male, or not since early childhood. To a man, they acknowledged the sense of lack in their lives. It was as though I had given them permission to connect with each other in a way they had always wanted, but they had buried the want away as socially unacceptable.

For me the operative word in intimate sharing is choice. We can choose when, how, and with whom we wish to act on any feelings we feel. In order for both people to truly have a choice about the kind of contact that is mutually agreeable, we need to develop sensitive communication skills: to ask clearly for what we want, to be respectful of the other person's needs, to be able to set clear boundaries by negotiating with one another about what we each are open to at any given moment.

To the extent that men are forced by societal norms to conceal our affection for each other, we cut off a vital part of our loving nature. I believe that repressing our loving energy for one another forces the energy to emerge as heightened violence.

• How do we feel about our ways of touching and showing affection?
• Are we truly happy with the range of options presently "acceptable"?
• What new conscious choices might we make to connect with each other more whole-heartedly?

Write down your thoughts and especially your feeling about all this: a letter (to your father?), an article, a poem, and send it along [to: MenInTouch @ GrowingHealthier.com]*.
What do you long for? What do you fear?

Get involved in the events already being presented through , or create your own. Caring touch among men works well in groups, in sacred circles. It’s not so much about coupling, romantic love, or sex (although all those are also options). It is about creating community. I would like all men to have permission to massage, dance, hug, kiss, hold hands, caress, sleep together, and be as tender, playful, sensuous, and/or sexual as each man would like. The very life of the planet may depend in part on men's ability to fully embrace our tender, caring selves!

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