How is self-esteem important to the development of intimacy? In receiving the caring attention of others, it helps if we feel worthy of that attention. If we believe we are not good enough, not attractive enough, or "not enough" in some other way, we may push aside the loving intentions of others: "Why is he being so nice to me?" Similarly, when we come to support other men, low self-esteem may cause us to undervalue what we have to offer. Both situations can create blocks to intimacy and a holding-back.

The integration of feminism and the loss of traditional gender roles have created self-esteem dilemmas for some straight men. Gay men may find it hard to maintain self-esteem in our often homophobic society, being told over and over again they are not enough and do not count or belong. Each message, like a paper cut, may be minor, but a thousand of them are not. If such toxic messages are not resisted, self-esteem suffers. Gay men may then find it hard to connect with straight men due to resentment, and with other gay men because of internalized homophobia.

Bisexual men may find they have the esteem and support of neither the gay nor straight community. And any man can have his self-concept eroded by the current popularity of male-bashing.

Self-esteem is not a fixed thing: it changes over time with our experiences and our changing attitudes toward ourselves. True self-esteem is an inside job: we believe in ourselves, our innate worth whether we are doing great things or not. If we have firm self-esteem (I like to think of it as a core) we value ourselves whether or not we have a job, whether or not our loved ones seem to be loving us back, whether or not we look our best.

In our society, we men are often encouraged to evaluate ourselves in terms of our accomplishments. For example, we feel great when we get a promotion, we feel lovable if someone dates us, we like ourselves better when we have lost weight. But this can be a trap; we are bound to go through times in our lives when the world does not reward us. Low self-esteem can result if it is based wholly on how other people treat us, on the good things that happen to us, or on the opinions of us that others offer. Other common traps are imagining that other people see us negatively without asking them for feedback, or harbouring their negative comments and tuning out their compliments. A depressing cycle of low self-esteem can be set in motion by such habits of thinking.

The road to self-esteem may have may twists and turns. Think for a moment of the two-year-olds you know. They seem to come equipped with firm sense of their importance and value, and they are often quite forthright about both. They are proud of their accomplishments, but don't hate themselves if they fail or just don't feel like performing. They may get angry and frustrated at the world's complexity and difficulty, but they don't see themselves as worthless as a result. That innate self-esteem is vulnerable, though. Probably you have witnessed the sad spectacle of a child's good feelings about self being eroded by critical or shaming parents or an overly-competitive school system. Such children get the idea that they are only acceptable or lovable if they do everything right, performing to the expectations of others: a phenomenon that may lead in adulthood to perfectionism and the constant seeking of approval. This in turn can produce a man whose self-esteem is wholly hooked onto his accomplishments rather than growing out of an appreciation of who he is (and simply that he is!): valuing doing over being. Shattering experiences in adulthood such as a messy divorce, an emotional illness, an addiction or the loss of employment can also impair self-esteem. Such traumas can result in unproductive self-doubt and self-questioning which is difficult to endure.

What helps when self-esteem is low? Here are some ideas:

• Affirm yourself for the direction you are facing, not for the distance you have traveled. For example, if you are trying to become a kinder person, or trying to learn about a new subject, or struggling to be patient with the clerk in the store when you know the problem is not really of his making, this is about who you are: your values and beliefs about what's right. And that's good in itself. Esteem yourself for motivation and effort instead of insisting that you do it perfectly.
  
• Evaluate yourself instead of beating yourself up. For example, when something doesn't work out as you expected, use it as an opportunity to learn what went wrong instead of concentrating on it as a failure. Be tolerant of your mistakes. Not all criticism is fair (let alone kind or necessary), so don't take to heart all critical remarks. Dwelling on rejection or failure can lead to avoidance of risks and new opportunities. Take some time when you have calmed down to examine whether or not the criticism has some validity and whether or not you want to make changes in yourself as a result. If you can't be objective because you are too upset, talk it over with a trusted friend or counsellor.
  
• Don't compare your insides with other people's outsides. By this I mean that we are aware of our own insides, our inconsistencies and imperfections, our fears, anxieties, sadness, anger and joys. Unless we know another person intimately, we often only see the image that he or she has constructed to deal with the world. If we compare our complex insides to someone else's carefully prepared image, it is easy to imagine ourselves lacking in some ways. A good cure for this is to really get to know that other person at an emotional level, and experience his or her complexity. We all have vulnerabilities, hopes, dreams, pain and disappointments. We all have weaknesses and strengths.
  
• If low self-esteem has been a life long problem, seek professional help. This is an area where psychotherapy is really effective, although treatment may take time, especially if self-esteem was severely damaged in childhood.
  
• Be open to changing yourself: not just to please others, but changing yourself for yourself. And remember that change takes experiment, success, failure, time and patience.
  
• Set a little time aside each day just to be with yourself. Whether you follow a formal meditation discipline, or just spend "quiet time" with yourself, the simple act of doing this may well allow you to connect with and affirm your innate worth, and permit deeper emotions and realizations to surface.
  
• Avoid people who are overly judgmental and categorize other people as good or bad. We may not like or accept some of the behaviour of other people, but that doesn't mean they are worthless or bad people. Stick around people who can distinguish between being and behaviour. Friends and work-mates who have affirming, tolerant and empathetic attitudes to others can encourage us to treat ourselves in similar ways.
  
• Be aware of how you talk to yourself inside your own head. If you are sounding like a crazed dictator delivering orders and scorching self-criticism, it's time to stop and think about how you learned to treat yourself that way, and time to take some steps to find new ways of talking to yourself.
  
• Think about your own needs as well as the needs of others. There's no law that says you can't be gentle and nurturing toward yourself. And letting other people support you sometimes is just as important as supporting others.
  
• Consider keeping a journal in which you write down the positive feedback you receive from others, and the positive thing you can affirm about yourself. This can be a powerful tool to allow a deeper appreciation of self and offset negative internal self-talk. Taking the time to write makes it less likely we will ignore or discount the compliment.

I believe that nurturing our self-esteem is a form of healing, not just of ourselves but of others. A tolerant and loving attitude to self seems to attract others; perhaps they sense that we will have the same attitude towards them. In our work together as men, an offering of esteem toward ourselves and others will have a profound effect: the things that divide us—fear, competition, stereotypes, the poverty model of life, the illusion of separateness—cannot long be barriers.

Men's Touch - A Gift For Healing

It's Thursday night, and I'm getting ready to go to my New Warriors group. I've been a New

Warrior since May 1995 and always look forward to our meetings, yet here I am with sweating palms, heartbeat racing, stomach tied in knots, a feeling of fear so strong I could piss myself. My first thought is that I've got the flu, so I better call someone and tell them I can't make it. But this is an old pattern of mine: if men really knew who I am they would reject me. What is it that I don't want them to see or know about me? The truth is that I feel needy and that makes me uncomfortable. It's my belief that as a man I must live my life in silent desperation, because to ask for help or comforting is a sign of weakness. Deep in my heart I know this is bullshit, so off I go, to face my demons and let other men see my fear and hopefully help me heal.

I am in a safe sacred place. As I glance at each man I tell them silently that I trust them, and am ready to show them my pain and neediness. I begin to talk, I tell them how since my separation from my wife (I had hidden this information from my group up to now), I no longer feel loved, my body and I are disconnected, and I am numbed out. I want to get in touch with my body. I want to be reenergized. I am suffering from touch deprivation, and would they please touch me all over my body. I lay myself out flat on the floor, the men surround me and gently start caressing me. My first thought is how gentle their touch is, and I start to relax. All of a sudden I feel a deep sadness, tears are washing my face, but I can't make a sound. I am no longer in this room, I am in my bedroom, where I go to be alone with my grief. I've taught myself to not make any noise, nobody can know, it's my silent scream for help that no one hears. The sadness envelopes me, its pain overwhelms, I don't want to be alone anymore. I am back in the room with the guys, embarrassed by my tears I sit up and open my eyes. I make a choked effort to explain what happened. I see tears streaking down other men's faces. I did not mean to upset them, and tell them so. They inform me that my sadness and tears help them to get in touch with their own grief, that this process has been a gift to them. I can now let them see all of me, and that I will need more touching/healing again. I am told that my grief and sadness is welcomed here, I feel loved again, and make a commitment to ask them for what I need.

Two months pass and again I feel the need to let the men touch me, the old feelings of fear and unworthiness return. This time I am bolder, there is no need to hide or be embarrassed, I am willing to make my request. As the men begin to touch me I can feel their breath and body heat form a mist around me; once again I am in a safe and sacred place. The mist becomes a gentle breeze circling around me like a satin overcoat, and then turns into a web, and the web becomes a cocoon. I choose to stay in the cocoon, and let myself metamorphose into a new me. Afterwards we talk about this vision, and how different this experience is from the last one. I feel energized, loved, and transformed—this time my tears come from joy. Last week I had the privilege of once again being the recipient of being touched; this too was a new adventure. This time one of the men played a beautiful piece of music—it was very spiritual and mystical. As my body was being caressed, I was transported to another place. I was in a green field, ants started to crawl up my body. At first there were just a few, then hundreds all over me. They appeared as worker ants, each one was carrying something off me. I realized they were cleaning off all the scars, and tarnished parts. I began to shine this radiant gold color. When the music stopped I returned back to this room filled with love, joy, and hope. I looked at each man giving a smile and thanked them for helping me heal; their smiles and sparkling eyes told me I was welcome.

My intent for writing this article was to face my fear of opening up to men I don't know and letting them see me, the real me. Also to share the power, magic, healing, and intimacy that touching and being touched can bring. So all you guys out there step up and face your fears, ask for what you need, the rewards are all you can imagine. Maybe some day I'll have the honour of touching or being touched by you.

is committed to exploring and supporting real intimacy between men. But what is real intimacy? What do men really want? What do you really want?

Here’s a simple self-inquiry exercise you can do to investigate your own thoughts and feelings on that topic, and then (if you wish) send a summary of your most salient discoveries to

It’s easy to do. Just ask yourself a series of questions, then record your answers on paper or on tape. The idea is to ask yourself each question several times and immediately record your first thought or feeling without editing or censoring yourself. Just notice what first comes up and record it.

The questions follow a pattern:   

1. With regard to intimacy (or "closeness" or "love") with men, what do I want?
2. With regard to (etc.), what do I fear?
3. With regard… what do I object to?
4. With regard…what do I avoid?
5. What do I hope?
6. What do I expect?
7. What do I intend?

If you want to dig deeper into yourself, either at the same sitting or at a later time, try the same questions, but substitute specific males in your past or present life. For example:

"With regard to intimacy with Bobby (a boyhood friend) what did I Want? Fear? Hope? Avoid? Etc."

"With regard to love with Dad, what do/did I Want, etc."

Consider running the questions with regard to other significant males in your life: brother(s), uncle(s), son(s), friend(s) from various periods of your life.

Hang out with the questions floating in the back of your mind for several days to a couple of weeks. Come back to your notes/recording and see what you might add or modify. Notice your dreams and reveries. Then review it all with an eye toward patterns. See how focusing on these specific relationships has influenced your view toward men in general.

Then consider writing a summary about what you learned about what’s important to you in close, intimate contact with other males. What surprised you? Does it change your image of yourself, or your understanding of male relating?

We’d love to publish your findings! (You may, of course, delete or alter names as you wish to protect privacy. We may edit for brevity.) Thank you for contributing to all of our understanding in this important area of human relating!

Several times I have contemplated this topic, and it is one that in the past has interested me; now it is buried for some reason. Why, I wonder. Here are some general thoughts on the topic, with some specific, personal responses:

In-time-acy for me involves a feeling or resonance, a certain rhythmic appreciation. It involves a being touched—this can be achieved in meditation, in a moment in nature, at a classical music concert, in a deep sharing or communion or thoughts with another (or self), or simply a camaraderie—say, with a men’s group or a group project at work. Massage, being bodily kneaded in some way, can be a direct way to access intimacy, but any of the senses (including thinking) can serve as an opening to intimacy. This intimacy has always been there, and what’s being massaged are the obstacles to appreciating, feeling, or being with this in-time-ness that has never left us—the belonging (for that which we so long). This may sound like some Buddhist primacy or knowledge, or some primordial being—i.e., the home or base we have never really left—but this is my experience, as well as a view.

In practice, I wonder if this is really, always true for me. You would have to ask my close male friends. But this is the matrix from which my further comments on intimacy will spring:

1. The intimacy I wish for with men is the same as those with those who are non-men (women, children, those dying, those who have died, those not yet born, and those never to return). I suppose it could include the world of non-human species, too. Closeness, even with difference or separation.
2. I fear violence from men, a certain kind of competition, a crudeness, a brute strength, and a not-seeing of what I consider to be of value. Much of this seems to relate to my bisexual orientation and my response to male, heterosexual conditioning, worldwide (but mostly perceived and experience during my growing up on the US/West Coast in 1950s, 60s & 70s.
3. I object to my objectifying them (i.e. men) as other.
4. I avoid football, and certain kinds of confrontation that do not seem productive (I get quiet, small, and wait until I am in "my own space" of intimacy again).
5. I hope to let go of more of my baggage with men, as the same gender, and as the same human (as other), and as a rejection of certain aspects of being.
6. I expect that this question of intimacy with men is really more about intimacy with being.
7. I intend to continue in some aspect of "Men’s work" so as to catch the fly balls, or tack the issues (if I could find which man has the ball—maybe we all do!) as they come up. I think a men’s group can support honesty and integrity in dealing with such questions that invites. This I have (belong to) in South Miami.

Some final thoughts: It’s our ideas of what men are, how men can be, how men are conditioned—anatomically, culturally, historically, etc.—that are most important for me to illuminate. It’s challenging enough to be close to a partner (male or female) in ongoing significant ways. Are the issues of intimacy any different if we are linked romantically or sexually or spiritually or vocationally, etc. to one another? I don’t think so—love is love, wherever we find it, and love equals intimacy.

That retreat changed my life. I'm by nature an extremely shy person, so attending the retreat was a tremendous stretch for me. I had no idea what to expect and certainly was suspicious of anyone living in California whose name was the same as a tree. I loved and trusted Doug however, and took the chance.

Men that I met on that first retreat are still among my most valued friends, even more than friends, they are my family of choice. I have attended all but two of the retreats since that first one, as a participant, and in the last few years, since Doug's passing, as a co-facilitator with Sequoia. The men I've met, and the love, support, and life lessons I've received from them are uncountable.

I continue to be amazed at how much healing can happen within a circle of men who are simply given the chance to speak from the heart, to touch from the heart, and to enter into a quiet space within their own hearts. This is my vision of what happens at our retreats.

My Family of Men continues to expand outward with each retreat, newsletter, and, these days, even over the Internet!

We're preparing a space for a warm winter retreat here in the Southwest, (for you men in the colder climes), and my circle of Men in my hometown of Phoenix is becoming larger too! I look joyfully forward to the continued loving support of Men in Touch. Many Blessings...